This Melbourne winter warms my soul. There’s something so special about winter in this beautiful city. I hear the rain gently knocking on my window… I feel it is practically dragging me outside. How can I turn away such an innocent invitation? I put on layers upon layers, trying to make sure the icy winds don’t try and nip my skin, and blast “Sparks” by Coldplay through my headphones. When I come down the elevator and exit out the front door of my building, I am welcomed to the day with a strong gush of wind that turns my cheeks red from the cold burn. The city smells like hot coffee and rain. I miss this scent. It is almost nostalgic to me now. As I pace the streets with no destination, I think to myself how happy I am walking through this city with no reason but to be in it. 

There’s a small coffee shop on the corner, tucked behind the hidden laneways, separate from the general hustle and bustle of the city. The window in the wall has an old looking sign above it that reads ‘COFFEE’ in big, black, bold letters. Inside the window is a lovely older man, rubbing his hands together and blowing air into the crevices to rid the painfully cold breeze that is making his fingers paralysed. A big smile spreads across both our faces as I keenly approach the window, ready to warm my body with a hot coffee. The smell of coffee and baked goods instantly welcomes me. The smell is unlike any other and makes me feel incredibly happy and cosy. The man and I make pleasant conversation as he prepares my drink. These small interactions with random strangers often go unnoticed, but I think they are the most genuine and beautiful parts of being human. For those few minutes, I had a friend, and we basked in each other’s company for no other reason other than we were at the same place at the same time, and we wanted to.

The growth I have experienced and what I associate with this city can be best describe by Bianco Sparacino:

I AM SLOWLY LEARNING WHAT IT MEANS TO BE HUMAN

“I am slowly learning what it means to be human. I am slowly learning how to forgive the past. How to accept that sometimes beautiful things end, that sometimes the timing isn’t right, that sometimes the messiness of life gets in the way. I am slowly learning that endings aren’t something to be upset about, but rather, I am slowly learning how to appreciate how damn lucky I was to experience something real and hopeful and light in a world that sometimes fails to be soft. I am slowly learning how to be alone. I am slowly learning how to wake up in the middle of the bed. How to make just one cup of coffee in the mornings. How to hold my own heart, how to take up my own space. I am slowly learning how to stop filling voids with other human beings, and instead, I am slowly learning how to confront the void itself. How to heal it. I am slowly learning what it means to be human. What it means to make mistakes and learn from them. What it means to be both happy and sad at the same time. I am slowly learning how to do the damn work. How to stop running from what is heavy and uncomfortable in my life. How to take the easy route less and less. How to grow myself, how to be a better person.”

This quote and this city feel like love. Love of all kinds; platonic love, romantic love, self-love. I did so much growing in this city. During this time in my life, I went through endless amounts of ups and downs and discovered so much about myself. Perhaps it was because I moved out so young and was forced to take care of myself and figure things out on my own, or perhaps it was because I finally had the maturity and understanding it took to see things for what they were. Either way, this city was there for me during these changes and developments and for that I will forever view this place with admiration. However, during this time I did not realise the effect it was having; only now that I am not there can I truly notice its impact. 

When I was younger, I never truly understood what people were talking about when they said “you need to get to know yourself better” or discussed their journey of “self-discovery”; this never made any sense, after all, how can you not know yourself when you are you. However, as I grew up and started to understand my emotions on a deeper level, I became aware of the fact that I was quite often sad and that I yearned for a certain level of freedom and independence that I didn’t understand I needed yet. My emotions were often very dependent on how other people were treating me and I had an extremely strong desire to experience things for myself and on my own. When I was younger, this posed as quite a struggle for me as my parents didn’t always feel comfortable with me doing things on my own; the first step was them allowing me to go on walks by myself, then going to the shops by myself, then going to concerts with only a friend. My parents did the best they could to provide me with this independence I wanted so bad, then, when I was 17 and had just finished school, they let me move out of home and move to a new city with only my best friend. I didn’t understand why they were hesitant at the time, but looking back on it now, that is a massive risk for a parent to take. I wasn’t even old enough to have my name on the lease, or old enough to go out and drink, and yet, they took a leap of faith and allowed me to embark on this journey. I will forever be thankful to my parents for having such faith in me at such a young age, I know for a fact I wouldn’t be the person I am today if they had not allowed me to take that jump. 

That Melbourne winter warms my soul. I remember the sounds of the rain and the laughter of my friends. When I think of the city now, I am transported back to a beautiful time in my life and my heart feels warm from the memory. The memory of both the good and the bad; the early morning walks, the scent of freshly brewed coffee, the brief conversations with strangers; and the memory of the hurt and loneliness… the memory of everything that contributed to my growth. 

“Sparks” by Coldplay – I used to walk the streets of Melbourne listening to solely this song for hours on end. This song is Melbourne. This song is the rain and the coffee and conversation. This song is what it means to be human. This song is love. This song is a memory. Right now, I am on the other side of the world. I know I will return back to this place in the very near future and I know I haven’t been gone long, but that city and that time in my life feels so far in the past. I forget that before I know it, I will be back there. I wonder if it will feel the same as it did when I was there, or if it will feel how it feels to me now, nostalgic. For now, this song can transport me back to this time. The song itself feels like that period in my life and listening to it makes the memory that much more vivid. In a way the song is also a letter from me, to Melbourne. 

“My heart is yours.

It’s you that I hold on to

Yeah, that’s what I do

And I know, I was wrong

But I won’t let you down

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I will, yes,

I will”

While I was living there, I thought I didn’t like the city, in fact, I wanted to move back home. It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy the city, but in a way, I felt lost. I missed home and could feel I was changing and I missed my old self and my old life. Perhaps the reason I wanted to leave was because change is uncomfortable and you don’t realise that change is usually for the better until you look back on it later and realise it wasn’t just change, it was growth. I miss Melbourne but part of me is worried, because when I return, it won’t be the Melbourne I once knew. I will have new memories and experiences and I will have something new to miss. My life as it was then is not what I am coming back too – the only thing that remains the same is the city itself. The Melbourne I am going back to is not home, it is simply a place that I will turn into my home, just like I did before. When you learn that home isn’t necessarily a place and is actually something you can find within yourself, you will learn to love and appreciate yourself more than you ever have before. As people I love have come and gone, I have been left feeling lonely and helpless; as I moved from place to place, I have felt lost; and as I’ve gone through the motions of life, I have noticed that the only person who has stuck by my side through it all is myself. No matter where I go, no matter who I’m with and no matter how I feel, the only guaranteed constant in my life is myself. I have found my home. This isn’t to say I can’t feel at home in a certain place or with a certain person, it is just to reassure myself that if something may go wrong, I am never left alone and I am never left without a home, and this is a beautiful feeling. 

That Melbourne winter has, and will continue to warm my soul. The memory of particular moments, smells, and sounds may fade, but the feeling will remain constant. In the years to come I will hear “Sparks” and I will think of my time spent in that beautiful city. I will think of who I was before, during and after, and be filled with love and appreciation for this time in my life. 

“I am slowly learning what it means to be human… I am slowly learning that endings aren’t something to be upset about, but rather, I am slowly learning how to appreciate how damn lucky I was to experience something real and hopeful and light in a world that sometimes fails to be soft. I am slowly learning how to be alone.”